MLB Draft Prospect Scouting Report: Matt Barnes

Team: UConn Huskies


Position: Right Handed Pitcher

Height: 6’4”

Weight: 203lbs

One of the more talked about arms in the upcoming MLB Draft, Matt Barnes has a chance to be one of the first 10 players selected in early June. Barnes is the first amateur player I’ve ever scouted and it is very different to watch college baseball than it is to watch pro, because the players mostly suck, even at the Division 1 level.

Fastball- Barnes throws hard. His 4-seam fastball sits between 92-94mph touching 96 here and there. He also has a 2-seamer that comes in between 89-91mph with noticeable arm-side run. He seemed to like to use that to back-door right handed hitters. He maintains this velocity throughout the game thanks to his lanky, 6’4” frame. While the raw velocity is there the command is not. Barnes was pitching from behind in the count almost incessantly on Friday, as he was unable to throw strike 1. He also refused to challenge hitters inside with the heater, a product of two variables. First, UConn coaches call the pitches, not the battery, so Barnes was at the mercy of the coaches. Second, college pitchers are averse to pitching inside because aluminum bats tend to do more damage with those than wood ones do.

Curveball- A dirty upper 70s curve with 11-7 break, it is Barnes’ best pitch and he knows how to use it. Whether burying it in 2-strike counts, running it away from righties to gets swings and misses, back-dooring it to lefties or even throwing it early in counts to get ahead, Barnes seemed very comfortable using it.

Slider/Cutter- Yuck. In the low 80s, Barnes’ Slitter (hmm…not sure if I like that) is not good. It was so bad that I had trouble recognizing what the hell it was. If you want to pitch at the top of a big league rotation, you need at least 3 viable pitches. The way Barnes develops this (or a changeup, as I’d prefer) is of paramount importance to his future.

Mechanics- Barnes does not repeat his delivery well. I noticed several times his front foot landing in different places in different directions. These inconsistencies are the likely cause of his control issues. Barnes is only 20 and it’s possible he hasn’t fully grown into his 6’4” frame to a point where he has acute control of his extremities. It’s also possible his legs are just weak, tire easily and his delivery gets sloppy as a result. Video and reports on Barnes tend to note he misses up. More often for the start I saw, he was missing away. The arm action is not violent enough to be concerned about, nor is it effortless enough to fawn over.

Whatever team drafts Barnes will have some work to do, but his combination of velocity, pro-ready curveball, size to handle starter workload and bit of projectability won’t let him drop past Milwaukee at #15 overall.

MLB Prospect Scouting Report: Melky Mesa

Team: New York Yankees


Position: Outfield

Height: 6’1”

Weight: 185lbs

From: Dominican Republic (signed in 2003)

Mesa is toolsy, but old. He’s already 24 years old and is only in AA. Let me rephrase that. He’s LISTED at 24 years old. Sometimes these guys from the DR shave a few years off of their real age to get a more lucrative initial deal. Keep those two things in mind as you read.

Offense: The first thing you’ll notice when watching the right handed Mesa hit is his batting stance. It is a straight up theft of Alfonso Soriano’s stance, and Mesa has a similar offensive skill set. Listed at 165lbs just a year ago, Mesa has good power for his still slight frame. He’s hit 50 extra base hits each of the last 2 years (20 Hrs, 20 doubles, 10 triples). He’d have more of them if he hit the ball more often. Mesa’s eye-hand coordination is not good and he struggles mightily to make contact. He had more strikeouts than hits each of the last two years. He’ll never hit for a high average or get on base more than 33% of the time, just because he swings and misses too often, even when pitches are hittable. Mesa has plus speed.

Defense: A fine defender thanks to his speed and above average arm, Mesa can play any of the three outfield positions and play them well.

Overall, Mesa has enough useful tools that he’ll be a useful MLB bench player (think an extremely poor man’s Chris Young) providing late game defensive upgrade and pinch running value.

MLB Prospect Scouting Report: Austin Romine

Team: New York Yankees


Position: Catcher

Height: 6’1”

Weight: 190lbs

From: El Toro High School in Lake Forest, California (and round of 200 draft)

Romine is stuck in a strange limbo in the Yankees system. Behind Jesus Montero in terms of development (and potential) and has the much more talented (but very young/raw) Gary Sanchez breathing down his neck from Single-A. Romine will more than likely become a piece of a trade package for a starting pitcher before mid-July.

Offense: Romine has plus raw power that you won’t see by looking at his numbers because Trenton (AA) is such a difficult environment in which to hit. His swing mechanics are complicated, especially from the waist down, which throw off his timing here and there, which could make him prone to lengthy slumps. He won’t hit for a high average as a result. His plate discipline is lacking. He has below average speed.

Defense: Fan opinion seems to be that Romine is good defensively, likely because he and Montero (who couldn’t catch a cold, or syphilis in a Vietnamese whore house) are always compared to one another. I can say for sure (I’ve now seen Romine at least 5 separate times) that he is not. His receiving skills are poor and his game calling skills are about average. On the other hand, his arm is very strong, though it can be inaccurate at times and his transfer is slow. Romine could probably play left field, but his bat isn’t good enough to profile out there.

Good catchers are hard to come by. Romine will likely be an average everyday catcher for a handful of years before becoming a backup with some pop (think John Buck). All this will likely take place with an organization other than the Yankees.

Insert Suidae Pun Here: A quick Lehigh Valley IronPigs Preview

Insert Suidae Pun Here


The 2011 IronPigs season is upon us and it’s highly likely for the organization to experience the same sort of success it’s enjoyed over the first few years of its existence (I’m talking about financial success, not success on the field). Aside from the incessant pig-monikered products and events, there has been little to complain about at Coca-Cola Park except for the product on the field. Will that change this year? Let’s have a brief look at the IronPigs opening rosters….



Pitchers:

Vance Worley- One of the few Pigs who might provide the Phillies with mentionable value during his career, Worley was a 3rd round pick in 2008 out of Long Beach State. His fastball has MLB average velocity (88-90mph, touching as high as 93 here and there) with a bit of armside run. He also throws a low 80s slider which grades out as average, a low-mid 70s curveball which shows flashes of viability but is inconsistent, and a below average changeup (79-83mph) on which he often noticeably slows his arm speed. He’s got #5 starter upside if he can refine his secondary stuff, especially the changeup to get lefties out. At 23 years of age, he doesn’t have much projection left. He’s much more likely to contribute long term in a middle relief role, where a lighter work load might allow him let loose and see a jump in his fastball velocity.

Drew Carpenter- Carpenter has anchored the LV rotation for the past couple years but his stuff just isn’t good enough to play in the big leagues. He’s moved to the bullpen in hopes of carving out some sort of role for himself in the majors. In doing so, he has scrapped his curveball and changeup and will pitch exclusively with his fastball, splitter and slider out of the bullpen. The splitter will likely be a tertiary pitch for Carp, used primarily against lefties. It’ll be interesting to see if Carpenter’s stuff plays up out of the ‘pen. He has Chad Durbin-type upside if his slider improves.

Scott Mathieson- Mathieson has been in pro baseball for 9 seasons. He is now 27. Despite this, he remains a favorite of the organization and is the oldest guy to retain the “prospect” label I can ever remember. The reasons for this are well known; Mathieson had two Tommy John surgeries and an ulnar nerve relocation over a three year span. When pitchers come back from TJ, the first thing to come back is the velocity and Mathieson has that, sitting from 94-96 with his fastball and touching 99. Other aspects of pitching, like season long stamina, take a little longer to return. Mathieson’s velocity was down in the low 90s late in the year, which is a big reason why he was kicked around in his brief MLB stint. He should be ready for a full season’s workload this year. His secondary stuff is average and that should improve this year as continues to come back from injury. I like him to eventually ascend to a high leverage spot in the Phillies bullpen by the end of the year.

Mike Zagurski/Mike Stutes/Michael Schwimmer- Terrific AAA relievers. May get call ups here and there for depth/injury. Have some upside because they’re a little younger than….

Brian Bass, Eddie Bonine, Nate Bump, Jason Grilli, Juan Perez, Dan Meyer- Organizational players.

Catchers:

Dane Sardinha- Sardinha was on the 40 man last year but isn’t as this is being written. The Phils have only 2 catchers on the 40 man roster right now and I’d expect Sardinha to be the first guy called upon should either Chooch or Brian Schneider get injured. He’s a fine defensive catcher but can’t hit.

Erik Kratz- Kratz had a brief major league stint with the Pirates last year and is likely to bounce around the minors with injury induced MLB time here and there.

Infielders:

Delwyn Young/Josh Barfield/Ronnie Beliard/Kevin Frandsen/Jeff Larish- The Phillies are hoping one of these guys can have some sort of renaissance and soften what looks to be a serious, season long blow at second base. Young and Barfield can also play the outfield.

Outfielders:

Brandon Moss- Moss was part of the 3 way trade that sent Manny Ramirez from Boston to LA a few years ago. At the time he was thought to be a decent prospect who would likely become an average major leaguer. It hasn’t happened.

Rich Thompson- One of the nicest dudes on the planet, Thompson will lead the International League in autographs signed again this year.

Cory Sullivan- A local guy (Wexford, PA) with some speed.



Overall the IronPig roster is underwhelming. I think they’ll do well in the standings but other than Mathieson and, to an extent, Worley, will be boring to watch. Triple-A has become a group of emergency replacement level players with little ceiling. Many top prospects will skip Triple-A altogether nowadays.

NFL Combine Thoughts: QBs, RBs and WRs

I had a chance to watch the QBs, RBs and WRs this weekend. Here are my thoughts on those young men.

QBS

Cam Newton- He sucked. If I’m a GM I’d already have him off of my draft board so it wouldn’t have mattered, but Newton was inaccurate all day missing receivers with more regularity than an Activia commercial. He’s a physical freak, but he didn’t look good throwing the ball and made excuses for his shittiness after he was done. EVERYONE had to throw to WRs they don’t have rapport with, Cam. Get over it. He’s a bust waiting to happen.

Ryan Mallett- Mallett looked really good today, but he’s another guy I’d stay away from. He struggles at games biggest moments and his mechanics deteriorate quickly under pressure. His release seems much quicker now than it was the rest of this year, which is good because it was Leftwich slow in games. His drug issues are probably overblown. If it’s just pot I wouldn’t care but if it’s anything heavier I’d stay away. So Mallett made himself money today but he wouldn’t get it from me. If you’re going to take a round 1 QB you have to KNOW they’re going to be good.

Blaine Gabbert- He wins the award for “best NASCAR driver name” in this year’s draft class. Gabbert didn’t throw, the only QB not to do so. He was trying to justify his absence at his presser and said, among other things, “I’m not shying away from competition.” Yes, Blaine, you are.

Jake Locker- 3rd or 4th rounder. I think he should play baseball. If you can’t tell, I’m down on this year’s QB class.

Colin Kaepernick- I really like Kaep Gun but he has serious issues with his delivery that need to be corrected if he wants to be an accurate NFL QB. His stock took a dip today, but if there’s one QB I’d draft, its him…as long as it’s the 5th round or later.

RBs

Mark Ingram- This dude is serious. Pre-40yd dash, Ingram was in a rubber sweat suit, rolling something on his thighs to loosen his muscles. He already had a full lather worked up, sweat running down his forehead. He looked focused and intense getting ready TO RUN A FORTY YARD DASH. He’s a monster, and the only RB in this year’s class I see making a significant impact in the NFL. One caveat here is his speed score. For those of you who don’t know, the Speed Score is a formula designed to measure a RB’s 40 time with his Weight. Since force=mass*acceleration, we have to understand that all 40 times are not created equally. It is much more impressive to run a 4.40 at 220lbs than at 195lbs. Typically, RBs with a speed score over 100 are good NFL backs. There are exceptions, of course, but it’s an interesting tool to use. Ingram’s speed score is only 94.

WRs

Julio Jones- Jones was great today. Physically impressive and faster than I thought he’d be (he ran a 4.40 40 at 220lbs) Jones may not fall to the Rams at #14 overall like many mock draftniks have thought thus far. The one drill he had trouble with was the Gauntlet, so maybe his hands aren’t great, but neither are Dwayne Bowe’s and that’s exactly who Jones reminds me of.

Jon Baldwin- I really need to sit and watch Baldwin’s tape. Reviews of him never seem to be good, yet he’s always an early 2nd rounder in these mock drafts. What the hell?

AJ Green- Outperformed by Jones today, Green is still the Best wideout in the draft and is very good at every aspect of his position, including route running, which is atypical of someone his age. Usually, players as physically gifted as Green don’t need to work on technical shit, they’re just gifted enough to coast on talent alone. Green doesn’t I like him and wouldn’t mind if the Panthers took him #1.

Jerrel Jernigan- I wrote a full report on Jernigan a while back, envisioning a nasty weapon to deploy in the slot. I even thought he could slip into the back end of round 1 if the right scenario presented itself. Then he ran his 40…..not even close to the 4.35 I thought he’d post. It’s not the end of the world. Davone Bess ran a 4.8 I think, and he’s one of my favorite NFL players. Sadly, Jernigan didn’t do well in the change of direction drills either. I have to re-evaluate him.

Now let’s talk about this graph. I have here a graph on which I spent a shit load of time. It shows the Height (Y Axis) and Body Mass Index (x Axis) of notable WRs from recent years. Notice that most of the successful ones fit into one of four areas of the graph. Calvin Johnson is an outlier, a freak unlike anything Earth has previously seen, so he’s not in a box. Also, Roddy White is smack in the middle of the whole thing and he’s really good, too. Some of this year’s rookies are highlighted in red. Just like the speed score, this isn’t gospel. It’s simply an interesting tool that I’d use to identify busts if I were a GM.

NFL Scouting Combine Thoughts: Offensive Linemen

I’m spending yet another nerdish afternoon watching large men in tight clothes run around in an empty arena. It’s the NFL scouting combine, and it tells you some things. The Offensive linemen are first.


First, a general thought. Why can’t we give these guys sweatshirts and sweatpants? They’re wearing bike shorts and tight sleeveless shirts. Sure, some of them carry 300+ pounds well, but others look like Larry the Cable Guy’s fat cousin, or a character in a shitty Tyler Perry movie. Also, when did it become mandatory for white linemen to have beards?

Alrighty, let’s talk about some guys. I’m not going to go into everyone, only 1 out of 6 of the participants in the combine will ever make any sort of impact in the league. It’s easy to tell who has it and who doesn’t at these things, and the athletes who belong in the NFL always pop off the screen. Now understand, just because a guy looks good at the Combine doesn’t mean he will be a good NFL player, so it isn’t a surefire way to FIND players, but it is a good way to eliminate players from consideration. If a guy can’t look good doing drills on his own, he sure as hell won’t look good with NFL players harassing him in actual games.

Joseph Barksdale 6’5” 305lbs LSU

I hadn’t given a moment of thought to Barksdale prior to the combine but he looks great in drills, especially the Kick Slide Drill from the Right Tackle side. Everything I’ve read on Barksdale says his main problem is his athleticism, but watching him move in space this morning has quieted those concerns in my mind. Keep an ear out for him on draft day.

Ryan Bartholomew 6’1” 302lbs Syracuse

Syracuse doesn’t send a ton of guys to the NFL but when they do, those players usually make an impact. Bart has worked out at center and I like what I see. The most important attributes I want to see in a Center are 1)Size 2)Strength 3)Intelligence 4)Long Arms 5)Straight Line Speed. Lateral quickness just isn’t as important for centers. Bartholomew hasn’t answered the bell in all other categories.

Marcus Cannon 6’5” 360lbs TCU

Cannon is huge and quick. Not quick enough to stick at tackle in the NFL, but he’ll be a starting guard in the NFL for years to come. The one concern I have are the reports about his football IQ. Apparently he has trouble reading blitz pickups and blocking assignments. I’m not sure if those reads get easier as you move inside (my gut and logic both say no) but with some good coaching he should be fine.

Derek Sherrod 6’5” 321lbs Mississippi State

Sherrod confuses me. Some drills he looks great, some he looks awful. Unfortunately for him, one of the drills he didn’t look so hot in is the one I consider most important for Tackle prospects, the Kick Slide Drill. Looking bad in that drill is a red flag for me with Sherrod’s one excuse possibly being the fact that coaches force prospects to start in a 3 point stance where in most obvious passing situations tackles would start in a 2 point stance. I’ll watch some film on Sherrod to make my opinion more concrete, but I’ve got the bust-o-meter on standby for him.

Gabe Carimi 6’7” 314lbs Wisconsin

Carimi looks great, I’m not worried about him at all and if your favorite team drafts him you should feel good about it. The one concern I have is his height. Leverage is important and Carimi’s center of gravity may be so high that stout, powerful Defensive ends may give him trouble (Elvis Dumervil, Trent Cole, guys like that).

Anthony Castonzo 6’7” 311lbs Boston College

Castonzo looks good, too. I’ve seen him on film and he looks alright most of the time, having trouble against elite rushers (Robert Quinn destroyed him in 2009). He reminds me of D’Brickishaw Ferguson, a lanky, wiry athlete who may need to gain weight and strength. I think he’ll be an average starting Left Tackle in the NFL, with most of his value coming from his pass blocking skills.

Rodney Hudson 6’2” 300lbs Florida State

Hudson, a guard, jumped off the screen today, another guy I knew nothing about when I went to bed last night. Obviously I’ll try to find some Seminole game film before I say this definitively, but I think Hudson can help a team inside right now. In the Down-block Twist drill, Hudson delivered the most violent strike of the pad that I saw all day. He’s a fine athlete and I’d hate to be in his way on screen and sweeps. I’d LOVE for my Panthers to grab him in round 3.

Ben Ijalana 6’4” 317lbs Villanova

I’m not sure if I missed him or if Ijalana didn’t work out but I didn’t see him at all. I’ll look into and update this if I need to , but I wrote a full on report on Ijalana in the fall, and you should read it.

Mike Pouncey 6’5” 303lbs Florida

If you follow any of this stuff you already know Pouncey is a sure thing and the best interior lineman in this draft class. I don’t think he’s better than his brother, who came out last year, but he’s going to be good. It’ll be interesting to see where he goes in the first round. He’s one of the top 15 players in the draft, but teams generally don’t like to use picks that high on Guards or Centers.

Will Rackley 6’3” 309lbs Lehigh

Rackley looked very good today, especially in the Mirror Drill where he showed high intelligence as he focused on moving with his opponent’s chest, not head. He looked calm and smooth for that drill. I want to see what his 10 yard split was in the 40yd dash. One of the concerns I had for Rackley watching his film was his ability to explode off the snap. A good 10 yard split would quell my concerns a bit.

Rows of Teeth: Remaking a Classic

Let me start off by saying that I would not be in favor of a Jaws remake. The original is one of my favorite movies ever and is just one of those things I find sacred and untouchable. If you haven’t seen it, you’re an asshole. If you have a reason for not seeing it, like you don’t like scary movies, you’re a pussy asshole. See it, it’s just a movie, and when it’s over you’ll get up off the couch and be alive and in one piece just as you were before you saw the movie, because you’re on land and sharks can’t walk on land….as far as we know.


Just because I don’t think it should be re-made doesn’t mean it won’t be. When you think about it, it’s a prime candidate to be worked over again. The star of the movie (the shark) doesn’t do it for audiences anymore. It looks silly. Today’s technology can help fix that. Also, many of the communication issues the guys face out on the boat would probably be solved by cell phones, so a redone script could help the movie stand the test of time. Also, Hollywood loves to dusk off artifacts, even when those artifacts are pieces of shit and try to recycle them to make a quick buck without burning any real creative calories (I’m looking at you, Sid and Marty Krofft). A new Jaws would make a ton of money, even if it sucks. Guess which half of that previous statement the suits at Universal are more concerned with?

Let’s say I’m asked to make some decisions about the new movie, because, by the time they decide to remake it I’ll be wildly famous and influential (so 2013 at the latest). Here are the things I’d implement and the actors I’d cast for the roles:

Clause #1: The shark in the new movie cannot be shown more than the shark in the old movie.

Much of the fear created in the first movie comes from fear of the unknown. We don’t see the shark for most of the movie, we just learn to associate John Williams’ understated score with the shark’s presence. That association is betrayed later in the movie, which freaks viewers out even more because now we don’t know when the hell the shark is around. This occurred out of necessity, since Spielberg’s animatronic shark was always malfunctioning due to the saltwater, it couldn’t be relied upon for filming. Let’s keep it that way. Shark appearances kept to a minimum.


Clause #2: Matt Hooper has an affair with Mrs. Ellen Brody

Staying true to Peter Benchley’s original novel, in my movie Chief Brody’s busy schedule pulls him away from his wife and family, leaving Ellen lonely and feeling unwanted. She searches for someone to desire her and runs into the Hooper. Hooper is some things Chief Brody is not, super good looking and rich. The trist is short lived as they mutually decide to end things when Ellen realizes her mistake and Hooper doesn’t want to destroy his budding friendship with Martin, or his new friend’s marriage. So the audience likes Hooper, just not as much as we do in the first movie. Richard Dreyfuss is super likeable in the original and I’m not even going to try to duplicate that.

Clause #3: Since Hooper is no longer the smile inducing drug that he was in the first movie, we replace that by expanding the role of Deputy Hendricks. (more on this later)

Clause #4: The movie has to be set in the 1970s

This is important for two reasons. First, Cell Phones would solve a lot of the problems that occur in the first movie so we can’t have that. Some complicated writing could be done to work around it but it’s much easier to set the film in the pre- cell late 70s instead. The second problem this solves is Quint’s age. If the movie were to be set today then Quint would have to be about 75 years old, since he’d have been around 20 during the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. That experience is far too important to Quint’s character to work around, so we won’t. Of course, this means we need to beat viewers over the head with signals of the decade and maybe even create a reason that these events don’t become widely publicized.



The Cast:

Chief Martin Brody (Don Cheadle)

It makes sense. Cheadle has already done a great job playing “Leader of the Victims” in Hotel Rwanda, for which he was Oscar Nominated, so we know he can play the character. I also like the dynamic of a black police chief in a 1970s New England town. Remember, Brody comes to tiny Amity from New York to be the police chief. He is seen as an outsider by the locals, who don’t really trust him, and is terrified of the water. Why not add deep seated racial tension to his list of problems? I also like Cheadle because he is likeable enough to make the audience care about his safety and livelihood, but not so famous that he undermines your suspension of disbelief (like Will Smith, whom I also considered, would have).

Ellen Brody (Vanessa Williams)



A picture of Stacey Dash because...why not



Williams’ acting is fine. She was Emmy nominated this past year. She and Cheadle are close in age (1 year apart) and she’s hot. I like the idea that she is way hotter than Chief Brody but married him for the right reasons. She could have had any guy she wanted but chose Martin because of his character and personality. This makes her affair with Hooper viable, because she is getting a taste of all the things she passed up on to be with Martin. The other two finalists for this role were Stacey Dash (who I haven’t seen in anything since Clueless {that Kanye video doesn’t count} and I’m not confident enough to pick her based solely on that) and Julianne Moore who has already played a sympathetic adulterer (Kids Are Alright) and I buy her in an interracial relationship. Plus, she could act the shit out of Ellen Brody. So Moore is the best actor in the bunch, Dash fits best as the head cheerleader, prom queen beauty (go look at her Playboy spread) and Williams is somewhere in between.

Mayor Vaughn (Stanley Tucci)

In the first movie Mayor Vaughn is ignorant and misguided, not realizing how serious the shark problem really is. In my movie, Mayor Vaughn is more malicious. He is well aware of how dangerous this shark is but cares far more for the lucrative summer dollars the July 4th weekend brings. He want the citizens of Amity to be aware of the danger and avoid the water, but cares not about the tourists looking to spend the weekend at the beach. In the original the viewers are simply frustrated with the mayor, in this version they grow to loathe him. Tucci’s a fine actor with terrific range. He’d get the job done. (also considered: Oliver Platt, who did a fine job playing a power hungy, money loving shit in The Bronx is Burning)

Deputy Hendricks (Seth Rogen)

We don’t see a lot of Hendricks in the original aside from the first half hour where he is assigned random tasks. Hendricks in an islander, one the citizens of Amity have known since he was young, and it’s apparent he has people’s attention and respect solely because of this even though he is totally incompetent. In my film, as I mentioned before, this role will be expanded. I want Hendricks to be a lovable goof, one that likely got to the police deputy job thanks to some form of nepotism. He’s the kind of cop (remember, he and Chief Brody are the only 2 police in town since Amity is so small) that won’t bust the local teens for smoking pot and simply “confiscate it” on his own. Super laid back, he is the foil to the very uptight Chief Brody. Maybe he doesn’t even get realize how serious the whole shark thing is until it he sees it for himself when it gets into the estuary halfway through the movie. He provides the comic relief that Hooper provided in the first film. Hendricks matures as the movie goes on thanks to Chief Brody’s tutelage and the weight of their predicament while he helps Brody to chill out, not be such a douche and reconnect with his wife. The seminal bonding moment occurs when Brody and Hendricks share a joint after cutting open the wrongfully accused Tiger Shark in their search for Alex Kintner. Seth Rogen’s weight loss has him looking younger which is good for this role (he’s only 26 or something in real life but looks at least 30) and I’m pretty sure he won’t have to do a ton of character research to play a stoner, though I bet he’ll do the research anyway.

Matt Hooper (Robert Downey Jr.)

The movie lacks true star power to this point and here is where it gets a little more kick. Hooper needs to be a handsome trust fund baby who has taken full advantage of his family’s wealth and gotten hiself edgeumacated. He’s super smart and he knows it. He’s very handsome and he knows it. He’s rarely wrong has all the material things a person could ask for. However, he’s a super workaholic and has never allowed himself to enjoy his success. He’s addicted to some high end drug, like ecstasy which allows him to feel some chemically induced sense of intimacy with others, intimacy he could never legitimately create on his own because he’s too busy. He and Brody have the same problem with being over worked which is where their bond begins. The difference is Brody has to work as hard as he does to take care of his family, while Hooper has to work as hard as he does because of some deep seated emotional issues. Maybe his parents were very hard on him. Maybe some girl he loved didn’t think he’d amount to anything and he’s spent his life trying to prove her wrong. It could be anything, but he’s not quite right. Downey is a good actor and I’m sure he’d be good. I also considered James Franco and Sam Rockwell.

Quint (Gary Oldman)

Quint seeks a life of vengeance after the incident he endures on the USS Indianapolis, which is a true historical occurrence. The trauma warps his mind. I wouldn’t want to change his character at all. Gary Oldman may not have the physicality to make Quint as intimidating as Robert Shaw did in the original so I’d ask him to put on some weight, but he certainly has the acting pedigree to pull it off. I have nothing else to say about this part.

Alex Kintner (Justin Bieber)

Kintner is the shark's second known victim.  He begs his mom to stay in the water for a while longer and the decision turns out to be fatal.  Now would I really cast Bieber for the role? No. His presence would make the death less believeable and campy.  It'd just be fun to watch the reactions of his fan base while he is torn to bits.  I'd cast a random unknown kid.


Okay, I’ve clearly spent way too much time think about this hypothetical film, which will never get made. I encourage comments and suggestions from readers, so I don't feel like a total loser who wasted a couple hours on this post.